So this new year is one I feel really good about. I’m coming into it fresh from an enlivening yoga intensive and a magical New Year’s Eve yoga class that Jaimie Perkunas and I led. Throughout the month of December I have been feeling the potency of this shifting liminal time at the end of the year, where things are not so… predictable as they can sometimes be. Lots of changes happened in the lives of my loved ones, lots of perspective shifts and delving questions and surprising answers came my way.
Today, this first day of 2013, has been a good day. I worked myself just about as hard as I could physically, and had great talks with a friend from overseas and the best mom in the world. (Not simultaneously) I found myself kind of sad during my mom’s and my conversation, feeling as though the goals and ideals that I had set for myself this year might not be as attainable as I had felt writing them, riding the wave of excitement and momentum gained throughout December.
Confidence, Affluence, Honesty, Purpose, Open to Love. This is my mantra for 2013.
So what’s in my way? It’s a story I’ve had in my head for a long long time. It’s not a long story, only one line. “Not for me.” It has a lot of different notes, flavors, clever plot twists (impressive for a story with only three words) and sneaky ways of insinuating itself into the background of whatever meta-storyline is happening in my world at any given time. It takes situations that have one lesson and changes it into something else.
For example, rather than seeing my no-longer marriage as an amazing process of gaining self-awareness, or an expression of earnest hope and love, I took Not For Me out of it, that I was somehow unfit for marriage, that the sort of happiness that other people seem to find in partnership? Not for me.
I’m in this business course right now that is scaring me witless. I am terrified that I will not live up to my own intentions, that the kind of success I see other people attaining through the process of developing and executing business plans, well, that’s Not For Me. I’m fundamentally flawed and unfit in such a way that I will fail, and then where will I be? My understanding is that this is a not unusual feeling to come up in this process, and the meditator/observer in me says in a calm voice, “Being in that sort of discomfort is an essential part of this process. Stick with it.”
I am afraid to advocate for myself, being much more inclined to not cause a fuss when it comes to things like money and recognition. I savor the sweet quiet of living in the background. And yet I get frustrated seeing the successes of my friends and colleagues and in my mind think that kind of success is Not For Me.
So noticing this is step one. My wise guru-mom suggests that I write about it, trace it back as far as I can go, because chances are that the originating event from which I took this lesson was in fact NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL, and quite likely one in which I had virtually no power or input.
What story(ies) do you have playing in the background of your monkey mind? What plot do you use to fit the events into that occur in your life? Is it one that makes you feel blessed or cursed?
I am not the only person to have encountered this, of course. If you are interested, here are some articles:
http://headtrash.co.uk/blog/2012/10/17/clear-self-sabotage/
http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/stop-self-sabotage-behaviour/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201109/self-sabotage-the-enemy-within
Are you willing to do this work? I think I am. Here we go.
