Week 9.
Things are turning up here on my home front, pressure-wise. These last two weeks of The Presence Process are also two weeks in which I am taking GRE’s, starting 2 classes, being in a wedding, starting a volunteer gig, spending time with some folks in town from far away, and still managing my life. So I am doing my best to keep my figurative shit together, and so far I have to say that it’s going okay. I have to give some of the credit for this to the work of these last eight weeks.
This week’s statement is supported by reading that centers around the underlying drama that blows up relationships. It asks that you go through your relationships and notice what the common thread is in them that put them to bed as it were. It asks that you notice what the dynamic was in which you played a part, and then connect that to what you learned as a child observing relationships around you.
This has been rich territory for me so far, noticing that my “I can’t be myself in relationships because then I get lambasted and rejected and then I wear myself ragged trying to be the person that my other wants me to be” story line is one that I can spot from my childhood. So that’s helpful. I noticed also that I was intolerant and withdrew my affection when my other would display characteristics or tendencies that I didn’t like. This got me to the place of seeing my fear, a fear that by tolerating and accepting those behaviors I would assume them as well and become someone that I am terrified to become.
The next step is to define what love is by considering it to be the opposite of the definition you had instilled in you as a child, so for example, “Love is changing who you are for the other person” becomes “Love is being authentically yourself in relationships and deeply accepting and treasuring others for who they are.” So I considered what might happen if next time I see those behaviors I find my compassion and extend the olive branch of understanding rather than withdrawing. It’s scary but kind of exciting.
My friend this week said to me, “Whatever you do in your next relationship, just make it different than what you’ve done before.” I can work with this.
So then how does this connect to spontaneous joy? Essentially Brown concludes that our pain and suffering is entirely under our domain, and that once we realize that our approach is all we need to tinker with, we can then choose joy in any moment.
Yesterday I was on my way to meet with one of my out-of-town friends and starting the litany of all the have-to’s in my head while I was driving. Then I remembered the statement. And I looked around me, saw the immense beauty of the Catalina mountains, felt the delicious kiss of Tucson October air on my skin, listened to the music that suddenly became not just background noise but the soundtrack to my incredible moment and let the joy flow through me. It was magical.
I realized that even in this very dense time I don’t have to have the nose-to-the-grindstone chiseled jaw of steel to make it through. I can remain joyful and grateful even as I am busy, and laugh as more obstacles come my way. And then no matter what happens, even if I don’t get the outcome I want immediately, I can know that the process was a joyful one, and will continue to be.
