So today marks my embarking on The Presence Process, a 10-week program designed to pull you out of the stories of your past, out of the ego and into the moment. In the moment there need be no judgments, for in the moment all is perfect as it is. Pain means nothing because it has no reference point, nothing is better or worse than now. There is just now.
Today’s statement is I Choose to Experience This Moment.
This morning I found myself feeling sad inside. I recently had a series of interactions that felt like they had the blossoming potential of deeper connection and then it diffused, just went away. I have been mourning it. As I embedded the statement I Choose to Experience This Moment into my head, I asked myself, Am I really sad? Or am I just holding on to the idea of sadness that has nothing to do with this moment now? While I’d love to say that thought dispersed the sadness, it didn’t. I still felt it. I looked for it in my body, tried to frame it in words that didn’t have claws to them, color words and texture words. While I’d love to say THAT dispersed the sadness, it didn’t.
What sticks in my head most about the sadness situation is that there has been no resolution. Have you been on the receiving end of this before? Maybe you sent in a resume or a demo or a book draft to someone and just… never heard anything. Maybe you met someone you felt connected to and had a big spark and then when you followed up there was just… nothing. What is so hard is that I find myself making up all these stories about what happened. “I shouldn’t have said this thing.” “I should have left it alone. I look like a stalker.” “Maybe his phone’s not working, maybe his car broke down, maybe his mom got sick.”
But mostly here’s how the story in my head goes: At an initial meeting I come across great and guys love me. Then they get to know me and it goes away. Because it’s too uncomfortable to just say that, they just drop contact entirely and I am left once again to ponder my deep essential unworthiness.
Sigh.
I am so tired of this story.
Maybe it’s because I grew up an only child without a father in the house, daughter of a figured-it-out-a-little-later-in-life lesbian. Maybe it’s my karma, or astrology, or whatEVER. But the story is there. Deep essential flaw = no long-term love for Tanya.
I want to get rid of this story. I want to root it out, find its persistent sneaky little tendrils and go General Sherman on that bitch.
I am hoping that The Presence Process helps me do this. And also I found myself looking today as I sat with the discomfort of having no resolution that maybe in that there is a silver lining. There is a skill to be gained in learning how to exist without a denouement. Plenty of times we don’t get a chance to say goodbye. We don’t get the “Aaaaaaaaand scene!” moment.
What’s funny is that also when I look back, I find that I have been the person who does this periodically. I have dropped contact when I felt too much pressure, or too uncomfortable to just say the words, “I’m sorry but I don’t have space in my life for this right now. I don’t feel connected to you in the way you seem to want and my needs are my priority. I wish you luck and all the best.”
It hurts, yes. But it’s honest. There have been times I actually did have the wherewithal to say these words. While they were difficult, I am glad I spared someone the pain of the empty chasm of not knowing.
Either way, I don’t have the power to make anyone do anything. The only thing I can control is my own reaction to a situation. So I am still sitting with this discomfort. And I am choosing to experience this moment, with its simplicity and its complexity.
Aaaaaaaaand scene. 
