Week 4 begins.
So far this process has been a bit gentler than I expected, but I won’t say that means it’s without its ups and downs.
The coming of autumn has bitten me pretty hard my entire life. Even writing that sentence I see it as a story, one that I can choose to give power or not. But as I look back historically I can feel that feeling of poignant tender sharp sadness that comes every year around September. When I lived in Maine it meant the slide into months (upon months) of bitter cold, the kind of weather that slowly chipped away at my will, the will to even get out of bed, more or less go through my day. Here in Arizona it’s supposed to be a time of celebration, cheering for the abatement of the relentless heat.
And yet I am sad. Something about the angle of the light, it gets me right in my heart.
This week I taught a number of my yoga classes on the theme of “Just because something feels unpleasant doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong.” Amazingly enough when I turned to the next pages of The Presence Process last night to guide me into Week 4, those words were presented almost verbatim as part of my material to go over and refer to for this coming week.
I feel positive about this, like something in me is organically unfolding into this process, like the process itself is organic. Unfamiliar perhaps, at least in a very somatic way – it feels uncomfortable in my body and my emotional self and my mind to just sit with discomfort and peer into it and explore its edges and facets and pitches and timbres and colors.
But today in my yoga practice – what a gift to be a student! – my lovely and strong teacher Stephani reminded us that perseverance through difficult things yields rewards. And I was once again taken aback by the parallels between life and practice. Warrior 2 is a hard pose. It’s even harder when it’s held for a long time, with continual devotion to strong alignment. Thighs burn, breath becomes labored, and the voice inside starts getting a little shrieky, saying “I can’t DO this anymore!!” And then I rededicate myself to my breath, to my alignment, periodically even choosing a mantra to make it through (I am a fan of the Gayatri).
Why do I choose any different paths through other difficult things? This sadness, these moments of want and fear that I’ve been noticing these last few weeks, I can remind myself that these moments are the same. They are uncomfortable. All I need to do is breathe, focus on my alignment (aligning myself with the statements, with the remembrance that working through difficult things with awareness and attention yields rewards) and remember this week’s statement:
I restore my inner balance with compassionate attention.
I attend to my feelings – I feel them. I put a figurative hand on my back and say “I know, sweetie; I know it’s hard. You are doing just fine and I love you. Keep it up. Don’t give up. It’s going to be okay.” I breathe.
And the great thing from the reading this week is that it then says to just notice what happens. It doesn’t say “And then you will feel better and everything will be rosy and happy.” Actually it says that it might not feel better, but to not make feeling better your goal. Just make being attentive and aware your goal.
Pain is not necessarily a bad thing. Rid oneself of the judgments about pain and the resistance to it lessens and the doors fly open to receive the boundless wisdom that pain has to offer: insight and compassion and awareness.
I am in, for better or for worse, I am in.
