This week’s reading is about reaching a hand out to the inner child and extending love and kindness and a listening heart to be there for whatever the child has to say when things feel sad, or angry, or fearful. I have had a number of conversations with my inner child already and it’s been surprisingly okay so far. What I mean by this is that there has actually been a conversation, and it’s been one that felt honest and real. I won’t say that I necessarily feel like everything is better at the end of it, but again The Presence Process is not about feeling better as much as it is feeling consciously.
One thing I have noticed over the course of the last several weeks is that my attitude and approach toward children in general has shifted. Anyone who knows me reasonably well knows that children have not historically been a source of warmth or joy or happiness for me. Mostly I have found them to be annoying and difficult, taking away time and attention from things I would rather be doing, like hanging out with my friends or doing something I enjoy rather than what they enjoy. In peering a little more closely at this I can see that this annoyance comes from a resentment that I have about not being allowed to do or say or have things that I wanted, probably back from when I was quite young. Children aren’t annoying by nature. They are just children, little unfiltered ego machines (and I don’t mean that in a cruel way) that ask for and grab for what they want because it is totally natural to do that.
It’s the should-ing and the acculturation that gets us to the point where we subvert and push down our wants and needs, in the name of a quieter and more civilized society. But in talking to my inner child and listening to her sadness and her fear and her anger I find that I feel empathy toward her rather than resentment. I understand why she would feel sad that when she reaches out to a friend and isn’t met. I understand why she feels scared when she’s left alone. I understand why she feels angry when she isn’t allowed to have what she wants.
So how about that then?
There is a part of me that is pretty freaked out by the idea that I’m only *almost* halfway through this thing. It’s been a lot of work and dedication so far and it’s bringing me right into the same room as the squirmy unpleasant things that I regularly do a lot to avoid.
On the other hand, during a long drive home last night, as I was sitting with some uncomfortable feelings, I heard a voice inside my head telling me that I couldn’t expect things to get any better if I did things the same way I have been doing them in the past. So I pulled a couple of new tools out of the sack and tried them on for size. One of them was vocal toning, using the power of sound vibration inside myself to shift my energy. It worked pretty darn well I have to say.
Funny that it would take me this long to try it, given that singing is something I love so much.
Each time I say this week’s statement I hear “I Passionately Embrace My Innocence” and it makes me feel weird and pervy. Then this morning when I was meditating on this statement it turned into I Passionately Embrace My Emptiness, which changed it profoundly and led me down a different rabbit hole. What would happen if I passionately embraced my emptiness, fawned and preened over it as I would a lover?
Thanks to this process I am trying new things, even the “solution” of not trying to solve the problem.
And we continue on.
